Singing wars of the Cullens
by bloodsuckingpirates
Summary: The girls of the family Esme, Rosalie, Alice, and Bella are going against the guys Carlisle, Emmett, Edward, and Jasper. in an all out singing war. rated T for later chapters
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: this is hopefully a funny one but I probably not as good at funny as others so I hope you like bobby. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight and new moon Stephanie Meyer does. I just like to play with it a little bit.**

**Singing to the family**

Carlisle, Emmett, Edward, and jasper were sitting in the living room planning a surprise attack on the girls. When suddenly the girls walked in. Esme came in first followed by Rosalie, Alice and lastly Bella. Esme stepped forward and strated singing

"Oh Emmett, you're so fine

You're so fine you blow my mind, hey Emmett, hey Emmett

Oh Emmett, you're so fine

You're so fine you blow my mind, hey Emmett, hey Emmett

Oh Emmett, you're so fine

You're so fine you blow my mind, hey Emmett

Oh Emmett, what a pity you don't understand

You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand

Oh Emmett, you're so pretty, can't you understand

Its guys like you Emmett

Oh, what you do Emmett, do Emmett

Don't break my heart, Emmett"

Rosalie stepped forward

"Oh Jasper, you're so fine

You're so fine you blow my mind, hey Jasper, hey Jasper

Oh Jasper, you're so fine

You're so fine you blow my mind, hey Jasper, hey Jasper

Oh Jasper, you're so fine

You're so fine you blow my mind, hey Jasper

Oh Jasper, what a pity you don't understand

You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand

Oh Jasper, you're so pretty, can't you understand

Its guys like you Jasper

Oh, what you do Jasper do Jasper

Don't break my heart, Jasper"

Jasper freak his eyes got huge as Rosalie stepped back and Alice stepped forward it was her turn and she was already smiling

"Oh Edward, you're so fine

You're so fine you blow my mind, hey Edward, hey Edward

Oh Edward, you're so fine

You're so fine you blow my mind, hey Edward, hey Edward

Oh Edward, you're so fine

You're so fine you blow my mind, hey Edward

Oh Edward, what a pity you don't understand

You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand

Oh Edward, you're so pretty, can't you understand

Its guys like you Edward

Oh, what you do Edward do Edward

Don't break my heart, Edward"

As you can expect Edward made a smart asre crack "oh Alice I didn't know you feel that way ." Alice smiled a crazy watch out for you safety smile. Bella stepped forward

"Oh Carlisle, you're so fine

You're so fine you blow my mind, hey Carlisle, hey Carlisle

Oh Carlisle, you're so fine

You're so fine you blow my mind, hey Carlisle, hey Carlisle

Oh Carlisle, you're so fine

You're so fine you blow my mind, hey Carlisle

Oh Carlisle, what a pity you don't understand

You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand

Oh Carlisle, you're so pretty, can't you understand

Its guys like you Carlisle

Oh, what you do Carlisle do Carlisle

Don't break my heart, Carlisle"

Carlisle mouth fell open and he just stared. He could do nothing else. As one all of the girls left them sitting there all embarrassed.

Edward was the first to speak " okay now we really do need that surprise attack " he said looking at each in turn and he try unsuccessfully to suppress the laughing as he looked at Carlisle

**A/N: ah what will the evil boys plan(mwahahahahaha) tune in next week to find out. Bobby**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight or new moon Stephenie Meyer does**

**A/N: this might not be as funny as the first chapter but I hope you like it. I tried to use Bohemian rhapsody by Queen but it isn't working to well it might even be more embarrassing to the guys than the girls.**

Retaliation

Everyone was in Alice's room. Everyone meaning the girls. Bella was stretched out on the bed. Esme was looking at an online catalogue and Rosalie and Alice where in the closet critiquing.

Edward came into the room silently even the other vampires didn't hear him. He was soon followed by the rest of the guys. Jasper, Emmett, and Carlisle started to sing

"is this our real life? Is this just "

"**Fantasy**" Edward burst loudly

"Caught in a landslide, no escape form reality

Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see,  
I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy  
Because I'm easy come, easy go, Little high, little low  
Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, to me"

Edward joined in for a part

"Bella, just killed a man, Put a stick up to his head  
bashed his brains, now he's dead  
Carlisle, give her some medicine  
to late she O D and died again"

Bella was in shock she would never kill anybody. Well anybody other than the guys, though unsuccessfully.

The three guys kept singing

I see a little silhouetto of a man  
Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango  
Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very fright'ning me  
(Galileo.) Galileo. (Galileo.) Galileo, Galileo figaro  
Magnifico. I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me  
He's just a poor boy from a poor family  
Spare him his life from this monstrosity  
Easy come, easy go, will you let me go  
Bismillah! No, we will not let you go  
(Let him go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go  
(Let him go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go  
(Let me go.) Will not let you go  
(Let me go.) Will not let you go. (Let me go.) Ah  
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.  
(Oh mama mia, mama mia.) Mama mia let me go  
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me 

Emmett turned round and pushed play on a c-d player rock music blared. It was the music from the song. Jasper started doing the lawnmower. Alice viewing from the door to the closet giggled. Emmett started the monkey and Carlisle began the electric slide. Edward sang

"So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye  
So you think you can love me and leave me to die  
Oh, Esme, can't do this to me, Esme

Nothing really matters, Anyone can see  
Nothing really matters  
Nothing really matters to me

Any way the wind blows"

After watching the guy's dance Rosalie could not hold back busted out laughing. Bella was rolling around on the bed and Esme was no longer in the chair.

**A/N: if you have any questions on the dances send me a review. I hope you liked it because I know I did. bobby  
**


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: sorry it took so long for me to update and don't kill me I have half of chapter four waiting to be finished so it shouldn

**A/N: sorry it took so long for me to update and don't kill me I have half of chapter four waiting to be finished so it shouldn't be to long on that. Oh and I use a lot of Cascada songs, sorry ( I have a slight Cascada fetish right now cause her stuff is amazing! And I have posted a link for a playlist of all that songs use in this Fanfiction. Anywho on to chapter three hope that it satisfies you all who have waited ever so patiently.**

**Disclaimer: I do not OWN yet willingly use the characters of twilight, New Moon, and eclipse, nor do I own any of the master works of cascada. Thank you and goodnight**

Chapter three

It took some persuasion to get "the guys" to the mall but Alice managed it, and she did good. The guys were forbidden to leave their female counterpart or face Alice's wrath so they were all pretty much stuck like glue. Thus meaning that "the girls" plan was working spectacularly. As it neared lunch time they all went to the effectively most crowded place in any mall the Food-court.

When it was exactly noon and there was an overly sufficient amount of people to placate the plan Alice and Rosalie stood up on two of the center most tables. The techno beat of Bad Boy by Cascada sounded through the mall speakers loud enough for every one to hear. Pulling a wireless mic from her back pocket and she began:

**(Alice)**

**Remember the feelings, remember the day**

**Em was ripping out Teddy's stuffing**

**Now they all cower away**

**This moment they all feel your wrath**

**I turned around and I laughed**

**(Both)**

**Be my bad boy, be my man **

**Be my week-end lover **

**But always be my friend**

**You can be my Bad boy**

**But understand**

**That I'll always need you in my life, then again**

**Won't you be my bad boy, be my man**

**Be my week-end lover**

**And always be my friend**

**You can be my bad boy **

**But understand**

**That I'll always need you, then again**

**Yes, I'll always want you**

**Then again**

**(Rosalie)**

**You once made a promise **

**To never be DUMB **

**But after the bear accident, I realized**

**That your extremely stupid when you put your mind to it (spoken) EMMETT**

**And even though all that, I still love you**

**(Both)**

**Be my bad boy, be my man **

**Be my week-end lover **

**But always be my friend**

**You can be my Bad boy**

**But understand**

**That I'll always need you in my life, then again**

**Be my bad boy, be my man **

**Be my week-end lover **

**But always be my friend**

**You can be my Bad boy**

**But understand**

**That I'll always need you in my life, then again**

**Just always be my FRIEND**

They finished and as stepped down to allow Esme and Bella up cheers and applause erupted every where. "Bella get off of that table! You'll hurt yourself!" Edward said as Bella bent over to retrieve Alice's mic. Alice turned to him and said "Edward she's perfectly fine, and if you make a scene you will get that promised makeover. Plus I will assault you with the Battle Hymn of the Republic in MORE than one language over and over again". Edward pouted crossing his arms and slumping in his seat.

Jasper was about ready for the floor to swallow him and Emmett was laughing quietly at the remember action.

Another Cascada beat started:

**(Bella)**

**Take me now, baby, here as I am  
Hold me close, and try and understand  
Desire is hunger is the fire I breathe  
Love is a banquet on which we feed **

**Please Edward **

**(spoken by Esme) do what she says for once gods am I tired of the word NO  
**"No" Edward said stubbornly

**(Bella)  
Come on now, try and understand  
The way I feel when I need your hand  
Take my hand, come under cover  
They can't hurt us now can't hurt us now, can't hurt us now  
**

**(Both)  
Because the night belongs to danger  
Because the night belongs to love  
Because the night belongs to darkness  
Because the night belongs to us  
**_**2x**_**  
**

**(Esme)  
I don't have a doubt, when I'm alone  
Love is a ring on my finger alone  
Love is an angel, disguised as lust  
Here in our bed 'til the morning comes **

**(spoken by Bella) Comfy can I steal it?**

"NO!" Carlisle defended his bed.**  
**

**(Esme)  
Come on now, try and understand  
The way I feel, under your command **Esme held up a pair of fuzzy pink handcuffs**  
Take my hand, and the sun resets  
They can't hurt nobody now can't hurt nobody now, can't hurt nobody now  
**

**(Both)  
Because the night belongs to danger  
Because the night belongs to love  
Because the night belongs to darkness  
Because the night belongs to us  
**_**2x**_

More applause and even more cheering assaulted Bella and Esme and they jumped down. Carlisle if it was possible would be so red he would have been purple.

"How 'bout that Boys? Guess it your turn now." Rosalie laughed.

"Don't you worry about us, we've got a plan." Emmett said

"Shut UP! Emmett or you'll spill our plan" Carlisle slapped the back of Emmett's head hard enough that it snapped forward.

"What was that for?"

"Being stupid" Carlisle replied shortly.

As the group headed for the door Jasper grabbed Alice's arm and whispered in her ear "Why did you bring up Mr. Giggles? No-one was supposed to know about that."

"Well which do you think is worse, Mr. Giggles or Carlisle's fuzzy PINK handcuffs?"

"Those are CARLISLE's?" jasper gaped incredulous

"Yeah, scary isn't it?"

**Mike's P.O.V.**

'That has got to be the scariest thing ever', mike thought when he heard the conversation about the pink handcuffs. Shuddering mike walk straight into a pole.

**A/N: hope you liked! I felt like placing it somewhere public. the guys will be stupid as always next chapter. See you next chapter! D**


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: here it is Chapter four Enjoy

**A/N: here it is Chapter four Enjoy!!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon, or Eclipse. And I do not own the gay Barbie song or A Never-ending Dream. I do not mean to offend any one by my choice of songs**

Chapter four

Some how all the girls ended up at Bella's house, confused but there all the same. Esme stood in the kitchen, Rosalie sat on the railing of hall upstairs Alice and Bella stood next to her. The front door opened and the guys entered.

Jasper and Emmett were wearing warm-up outfits like something a boy band would wear, Carlisle looked particular in a pair of tight black jeans(the side of the jeans said Ken) and a mesh shirt. His blonde hair was spiked and randomly colored.

Then Edward walked in………………………………………………………………………… need I say more.

He was dressed in a cloak obviously hiding some thing.

Suddenly Emmett and jasper started sing very loudly

(emmett)

Hi-Ya Garret!!

(jasper)

Hey Raul!!

(emmett)

You Wanna Go For a Ride?

(jasper)

On What?

(emmett)

ON THIS!!

(random boing!! sound)

Edwards cloak flew off and there he stood in all is glory……………… his mini skirt was like three inches long and made of leather, he stole the d cup fake boobs from Alice (no Alice doesn't ware them, they're for the make-overs) and his shirt was pulled some where from the depths of Alice's closet. It was a gold lamea tank belly top.

(jasper)

Barbies Such a Bitch

She Is Just A Witch

I Really Hate Her

Why Does Ken Date Her?

Ken Is Such A Man

I Do All I Can

(emmett)

Just To Do Him( jasper- Yes)

We Just Wanna Screw Him

(emmett- Shes Such A Bitch I Wanna Scratch Her Eyes Out)

(jasper)

I have Dreams About Ken

Being Inside My Den

And We Hold And We Kiss

Like Were SweetHearts

Jasper ran over to Carlisle and kissed him on the cheek while wrapping one leg around Carlisle's waist.

(Emmett)

But That Barbies A Slut

With Her Cute Little Butt

And I Guess Ken Likes Boobs

Made of Fake Parts

Emmett then pulled one of Edwards d-cup boobs off

(jasper)

And I Cry Everyday

Cause Straight Up

That Bitch Is In My Way!

...OoOo...

Edwards dancing got really, really scary when he started the pelvic thrust!

(jasper)

Barbie Is A Bitch

She Is Just A Witch

I Really Hate Her

Why Does Ken Date Her?

Ken Is Such A Man

I Do All I Can

Just To Do Him

(both)

We Wanna Screw Him

(emmett)

When I See Her

I Will Knee Her

(jasper)

...OoOot-OoOot-OooO...

(emmett)

I Will Punch Her

And Ill Crunch Her

(jasper)

...oOoHh Ohhh Yes...

Edward was still doing the time warp (again)to the wrong music . Carlisle stood spread eagle as Emmett and jasper ran over to rip his shirt off, and he let rip a loud moan of ecstasy causing all the girls to burst in to fits of giggles. Carlisle's back was arched as the guys pretended to be all over him while miraculously still singing

(emmett)

Hey Garret

(JAsper)

What Raul

(emmett)

Look Whos Over There

(jasper)

Well If It Isnt Barbie Without Ken

And That Stupid Caifornia Dream Van

(emmett)

Hey Barbie Its Us

Come Over Here..Look

Right Over Here Missy

Jasper and Emmett then started to beat Edward up. Then stopping immediately they all hopped up Edward and Carlisle took to the front. Esme had collapsed in one of the chairs of the kitchen Rosalie fell of the railing and Alice and Bella were leaning against each other to stay upright.

It was now Edwards and Carlisle turn:

(both)

I'm waiting for the night drifting away  
On the waves of my dreams to another day  
I'm standing on a hill and beyond the clouds  
The winds blowing still and catching my doubts  
I'm hunting on the night the slave to my dream an illustrated seen decends in the sleep  
We're playing for the fights emotional games  
I'm turning off my eyes and hiding my shame 

Edward turned his head to Carlisle's chest as he pretended to sob, hiding his shame. Poor, poor Edward.

_Chorus x2_  
A neverending dream a dream of you I believe I recieved a sign of you  
tonight I want to hide my feelings too  
as you do and I want to be with you 

Edward and Carlisle's hands where clasped as they danced together, they were mirroring each other. They would lightly pass the backs of their hand on each others cheeks brushing softly. they then moved closer and began to grind on each other.

_Speaking_  
I'm waiting for the night drifting away on the waves of my dreams to another day  
I'm standing on a hill and beyond the clouds the wind's blowing still and catching my doubts

This is when Carlisle ripped off Edwards other boob. Yes, he only had one on.

Then they got complicated (_**it to hard to describe so let your mind go wild**_)

I'm watching all the flowers dying away  
inheated breath of life at the dawning day I'm waking up in spring and kissing your face the sweet imoving thing I feel your imbrace

A neverending dream...

_Chorus x2_  
A Neverending dream a dream of you  
I believe I recieved a sign of you tonight I want to hide my feelings too as you do and I want to be with you

_Chorus x1_

The guys froze in their positions, Carlisle was standing with his legs apart Edward was on his knees in front of Carlisle arms around Carlisle's waist his chin was on Carlisle lower abs and he was looking up at Carlisle face. Emmett and jasper where froze on top of each other and you could tell they were laughing, hard.

They girls were laughing so hard that none of them were breathing, and none of them were still standing. The guys them left the house and the girls while they tried, in vain, to stop laughing but that's kind of hard when you you've seen what they've just seen.

**A/N: and again if I have insulted anyone I am genuinely sorry. This was intended to make people laugh, so let me know if I did and I will try to fix it somehow. Enjoy till chapter 5!**


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not know the works of Stephanie Meyer or the musical stylings of the fantabulous Cascada, the song is He's All That

A/N: Sorry about all the Cascada, but I just love he music!! . and I was listening to it recently. Now it is time for the girls.

At the Cullen household the men are scattered sporadically around the house for example Carlisle is in his study and jasper is hidden. A scream was heard through the house and all the guys came running from wherever they had previously been. They ran to the living room and stooped…

"Arwoo!" it came again followed by a breakdown of giggles.

"Werewolves of London" Alice said to the guys who were beginning to look murderous.

"hey, its your fault you thought she was in trouble" rose jibed as esme forced them into seats and chained them there. she locked each of them with shackles and Carlisle with his fuzzy pink handcuffs.

A surround sound music filled the room seeming to come from everywhere and the girls began to sing:

(Rose)

I knew it from the start

Form the first day we met

I knew that your stupidity

Was something I would not forget

(Alice)

Since then you've lost all your bets

But I love you anyway

And I found Mr. Giggles in pieces

He's such a brat

(all)

He's all that annoying

And dumb and insane

He's all that and more

My baby, he's such a brat

He gives me this felling

They call it migraines

I still love him anyway

Oh baby, he's such a brat

He's all that annoying

And dumb and insane

He's all that and more

My baby, he's such a brat

He gives me this felling

They call it migraines

I still love him anyway

Oh baby, he's such a brat

(Esme)

Still hard for me to realize

That you hate my plants

But you're not allowed to kill them

I'll beat your ass every day

(Bella)

For everything I've left behind

You kept your pink pants

He's my prison, and my jailor

He's such a brat

All the guys look at Edward, "what?" (he's wearing the pants)

(all)

He's all that annoying

And dumb and insane

He's all that and more

My baby, he's such a brat

He gives me this felling

They call it migraines

I still love him anyway

Oh baby, he's such a brat

He's all that annoying

And dumb and insane

He's all that and more

My baby, he's such a brat

He gives me this felling

They call it migraines

I still love him anyway

Oh baby, he's such a brat

Oh baby he's such a brat

He gives me this felling

They call it migraines

I still love him anyway

Oh baby, he's such a brat

The girls left laughing evilly, they guys gazes were still locked on Edward.

"Those are yours?!" Carlisle asked incredulous

"Uh"

"I thought those were Bella's!" Emmett exclaimed

"You are no son of mine"

"But dad!"

"NO! You are disowned!"

Jasper went to get up and noticed that he was still tied. "Oy, girls! You were supposed to unlock us!"

Evil laughter answered

Edward scooted away and cried in his little emo corner.

A/N so let me know what you thought, and as always I don't mean to offend anyone at all.


End file.
